I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
