Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My bed smells like the plague
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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