dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
