I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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