wanna go halves on a baby?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
