we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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