my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
