you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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