just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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