Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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