literally had 100 drinks last night.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
