Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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