Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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