If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
