Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
