Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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