I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
