he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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