i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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