Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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