he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
