if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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