Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
