You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I deserve to be covered in dicks
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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