Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
