When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
