I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
