Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
