this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
