...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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