listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
