i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so let's talk penis.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
