i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
