Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
