dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
now i know why i became what i already was.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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