and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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