Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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