I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need a burrito and a hug.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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