I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
