Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
