Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
