I hate your face
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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