i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
