quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
