There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
