I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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