I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
