I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
