you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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