update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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