Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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