I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it glows. i had to have it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
